June 21, 2016

I Cried Today…

I cried today because you are growing up so fast, and time is moving so quickly, and I am not sure that I had a chance to take in every little moment with you this past year. I cried because I can't stop time, even though I want to, it is one of the many things that I just can't control.
 
I cried today because you cried as I was leaving you at preschool and hearing you cry for me makes every part of my body ache. I cried because every time I leave you, even though I know you love school, I feel guilty beyond all belief that I am not the one taking care of you each day.
 
I cried because I actually enjoy going to work while you are at school but I can't help but think that I am missing out on being a part of the amazing world you live in every minute of the day. I cried because our few hours together each day are so short, and it takes everything I have to not to hug you for each second I am with you...
 
I cried because this world is so big and can be so mean and I can't even imagine my sweet boy being a part of such a cruel world. I cried because I can't even fathom the thought of someone picking on you or letting you down, and I know I can't stop either from happening, no matter how hard I try.
 
I cried because everyone told me this year would go by so fast and I am devastated that it is over, all of our firsts of this year have passed, my baby is a big boy, and is growing up faster than I ever thought possible.
 
I cried today because my first experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and taking care of a newborn is long gone and I know that with the second baby it won't feel as new and I won't be so blissfully clueless.
 
I cried because no matter what anyone says, I will always feel like I didn't hold you enough when you were a baby, or sing to you as much as I should have, or read to you everyday, or do enough tummy time...I should have used every waking minute those first few months to snuggle and be with you.
 
I cried today because being a parent in this world is harder than I thought and I am still figuring out how to be a parent in a world where I still feel like a child. I cried because my mistakes now affect the life of someone else and I am so so scared to make any mistakes with you.
 
I cried because you filled my heart with so much joy the minute you entered this world and I can't imagine a world without you in it or even the world before you were born.
 
I cried because when I am with you my heart is so full that it can't take anymore love yet I somehow find a way to love you more each day.

written by VHS contributor// Megan Vanderslice 
www.littlebeanbaby.com